[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
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American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
All is fair in drunk and war.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume