Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
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[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?