Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
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My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.