Is Mercury still in the microwave?
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her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I don鈥檛 need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 馃槶
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry鈥檚 parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems