I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
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Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
new year update: losing everything but weight
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!