I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
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I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.