ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
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Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
This is my favorite one of these!
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x