[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
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If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️