Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
You Might Also Like
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
one last job
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.