This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
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[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
We like the way Dwight thinks
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”