hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
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i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Dune (2021)
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
🔦🌙👣
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”