I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
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i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
When someone trying to leave me
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.