gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
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Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
thank god
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
that’s really how it is
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.