A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
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Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.