Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
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[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down