Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
You Might Also Like
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
My wedding will be open casket.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what