Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
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what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good