Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*