That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
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If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.