My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
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Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!