Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Monday
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.