I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
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Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
sounds kinky. i’m in.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car