UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
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Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder