COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
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Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Dietest Coke
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold