Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
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Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?