“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
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ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
gentlemen, hear me out
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel