My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
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Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
(yawn)
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty