[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
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Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
What’s so funny?
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me