My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
You Might Also Like
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT