Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
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MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.