Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
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Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?