The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
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Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
mumsnet is amazing
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter