I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
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He’s cranky this morning
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
This woman is my idol. Free her.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.