Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
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Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.