I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
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My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.