Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
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Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap