Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
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The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!