My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
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Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Saw online –
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.