gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer