6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
You Might Also Like
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
repaired
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot