People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
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Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Pretty much. 🤣