Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
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Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys