Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
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The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.