My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
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My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.