Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
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Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Duolingo getting serious.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004