If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
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Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
smartest karate player in the world
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”