Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
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📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
there has never been a better use of this meme
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.