Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
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Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
#Caturday
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?