Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
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I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?