friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
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Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
…żyje?
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.